Living someone else's dream

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This is a rant/story about my personal life. I rarely do these, but this is such a major factor in my life that I feel the need to let you guys in on.



I've always loved art. When I was a kid, I wanted to be an artist. Of course, that didn't bode well with my parents and relatives since I was doing great in school. They said it would be a waste of talent to start pursuing art, something "one can't possibly make a living" out of, and they tried to talk me out of it--without success. Then one fateful day, my mother suggested I'd become an architect, something that's said to combine creative and technical aspects. I was still in elementary school, and this job combining two things I loved, art and math, sounded fantastic. And just like that, my dream occupation had changed. After that, each time someone asked what I was going to be when I grow up, I didn't even have to think twice:

"Architect."

So when last summer I got a message saying I'd been accepted into the #1 ranked University of Applied Sciences in Finland to study the very subject I'd dreamed of since I was in 8th grade, it's needless to say I was excited.

Now when I say this is one of the most respected careers in my country, I mean it. Granted this particular education is not on Masters level, but only Bachelor's (we call it Construction Architecture), there are only small differences that the public doesn't even know about. It's still something people think require great technical skills and amazing creativity, a combination that's rarely found in one person. There were 200 applicants and through two rounds of tests they chose me; little Julia that drew the ugliest bridge of all the 200 people just because it seemed practical.

I had applied to the school because I thought "Why not?". I lived in a city of 60,000 inhabitants which I'd resided in my whole life. I studied Environmental Technology at the local Uni of sciences (remember new school is ranked #1? This one was in the bottom three of all schools), and even though I loved the subject itself and I made lots of friends, I felt like I could do better. Like I was underachieving in this school. The dream job I'd had for years was still in the back of my head, so when I heard they're starting Construction Architecture in Finland again, I jumped at the opportunity.

It soon became a reality that I'd have to leave for a much bigger town of 220,000 people a four-hour drive away and leave everyone I knew behind; my friends, my family, my classmates and my boyfriend. This may not seem like a long distance for you, but for someone used to having everyone at a phone call's length, it's huge. At one point, the anxiety was overwhelming. If people hadn't kept pushing me to leave and "follow my dream", I probably wouldn't have mustered up the courage to go.

So I left, but not alone. One of my friends from Environmental technology got accepted into the same school, and I moved in with her to a shabby two-room student apartment located in the basement of a housing complex near my school. It was great to have someone I knew and liked as a roommate, so I didn't have to face everything the new city brought alone.

During the autumn semester things went downhill. At first I didn't understand much of anything they were trying to teach us; I didn't know anything about building before I started, and apparently they expected us to. My pavillion miniature wasn't creative enough. My drawings were messy and lacking. I didn't have the proper safety equipment because I was broke and the teachers had to lend me things for field trips. I didn't make any friends from my class. I didn't know anything about the town. I was unhappy, and I thought it was because of these things.

By the start of winter I'd improved and learned a lot. I studied construction terms by myself and can now follow lectures better than most my classmates. I know how a proper blueprint is created and I own all the safety equipment. I can navigate easily through town, and I've even made some new friends. But as my mood and energy levels didn't get any better, it became clear to me that those things weren't the cause of my sullen mood.

Being in the top ranked school comes at a price. The days are long, the homework is time-consuming, the assignments are numerous, the subjects are challenging and the pace is fast. VERY fast. I noticed I didn't have much spare time. When my 24 hours consisted solely of classes, homework, assignments and sleep, I started making free time for myself. I postponed assignments just so I could take a break and forget about all the stress through watching dumb TV shows or playing plotless video games. By that point, it was the only thing I had the energy for.

Now call me crazy, but in my opinion, no matter what you study or what job you have, spare time should be a right nobody can take away from you. Regardless of how much you love architecture, cooking or fixing cars, you can't be doing only that 24/7. You need to have time for your hobbies, friends and family--something that I currently don't have.

I hate the view on efficiency modern society has. You work and work until your body and/or mind gives up. I've seen too many burnouts to let myself fall back into that vicious circle. I remember so clearly a little over two years ago when I was extremely busy with school, work, volunteering and other projects that I fell sick and my kidneys were close to failing. That's when a doctor more or less told me to:

"CALM YOUR LIFE THE FUCK DOWN OR YOU'LL DIE"

I wish I could tell that to all my classmates and teachers. Everyone at the school seems to be on the brink of a mental breakdown. My class has informed the teachers of this and the toll the workload is taking on us, to which they've only replied "I'm on the verge of a burnout too, but you don't see me complaining!". Is this really the direction the world is heading to?

Ever since I started the school, I've entertained the thoughts of dropping out. Leaving everything behind to pursue this education was the scariest thing I've ever done, but you know what's even scarier? Admitting defeat and returning home.

I confess, I've been kind of an over-achiever my whole life. I got straight A's all the way through high school and everyone has always had huge plans for me, and so far, I've lived up to those expectations. All my relatives cheered when I started studying architecture and switched from the crappy school I used to be in, studying some hippy BS like environmental issues! Oh the humanity.

I'm well aware of the fact that I'll probably let everyone down if I drop out. I'll be one of those "outcasts" society dreads so much, at least until I figure out something else I want to study (which will probably be a "waste of talent" subject like sustainable development anyway). But at this point I don't really care; I just want my LIFE back.

When I've told people about this issue, they tell me I'm ungrateful--can't I see I'm living a dream? I'm at a good school, studying something respectable and interesting (that pays good), challenging myself, living in a large and vibrant town with a good friend as a roommate, having a loving boyfriend who still wants to be with me even though I live far away.

"You're actually going to be something, unlike most young people these days!"

I might be living a dream. The problem is, it's not my dream.

Deep down, I'm a simple person. I don't need a fancy apartment or lots of money to be happy. For almost two years, I've lived on less than 500 € a month. As long as I have a job that pays more than that and time for my friends, family, boyfriend, drawing, cooking, voluntary work, mediocre PlayStation games, exercising, surfing dA and whatever other "waste of time" that comes to my mind, I know I'll be happy.

If that means I'm underachieving, so be it.



If you managed to read through all of that, I congratulate you!

If you have some thoughts about efficiency, stress, burnouts, career choices or if you just think this journal is lame/awesome, please leave me a comment below :thumbsup:
© 2015 - 2024 KiwiCocktail
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Postmorteum's avatar
I had a similar experience. :O

Honestly, what's most valuable is your health and happiness. :heart: :hug: